Later this month, I will celebrate a birthday. A big one. I will be turning 40-years-old.
My last year in my 30s has reminded me I’m not as young as I used to be. I now have regular hot flashes and my body takes longer to recover after activity. I can get sore from simply sleeping the wrong way! But God is quick to remind me that there is still work to be done. And He’s not done teaching me all that I am to learn.
Turning 40, I can sort of see how people go through a mid-life crisis. I made it 40 years… and hopefully I’ll make it 40 more? Who knows? God knows. I don’t need to know. But it certainly has me thinking about mortality and what I am meant to accomplish before leaving this earth.
I want to write a book. I’m pretty sure God wants me to write a book because, well, that’s between me and God, but I’m pretty sure. Let me just say this–I don’t know the first thing about writing a book. I have a new shiny laptop for said book-writing. And I have a fancy writing software that my husband researched and bought for me that I’ve been journaling in. When I’m ready to start organizing my thoughts and chapters, it’s supposed to help me. Y’all, can I just tell you I am terrified? But when I ask myself why….. why do you want to write this? The answer I give is I want to write it for my children, for their children, and their children’s children. I want them to know what God did in my life. I want them to know no matter what they face, there is a God who will restore what has been broken, will make the ugly into something beautiful and who will never leave them, no matter how far they stray. And the only way I know how to do that is to tell my story. All of it.
Being vulnerable is just hard. I share a lot through my pieces and when I hear how they impacted people I know God used it for Good and that pleases my heart. But that moment before publish…. when the words are still mine. SHEW. That is a terrifying moment. There’s a lot more words in a book. A lot more opportunity for my experiences to be read and talked about. I’m not perfect. I hope I share my faults with you all as much as I share the good things that happen. But I know that when I write this book (when I write this book), people will see more. More of my past. More of my sin. More of my struggles. But that’s part of God’s beautiful nature, isn’t it? Paul’s testimony means more because of his past. So does Matthew’s. So does Mary Magdalene’s. So does mine. So does yours.
LORD, you’ve given me 40 years of life on this earth. 40 years of experiences and heartache and triumph. You’ve seen me at my worst and at my best. I just pray I spend the next 40 honoring you. Wherever You lead, LORD…. Whatever You ask…. my answer is yes,.