If I’m honest…

I want to write a happy post. I want to tell you all about how great life is and how our Whole30 is going fantastic and just spread JOY like wildfire. But, I also feel like it’s important to be transparent. And I am struggling a little in my current season of life, so here you go.

If I’m honest . . .

I’m angry. I’ve been angry since I got this text on May 17.

My dear friend’s two-year-old son has Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I literally threw my phone and screamed from a place deep in my soul when I read that text. I didn’t take a minute to read the good news–that because he also has Down’s Syndrome the success rate for treatment is better than 85%. I didn’t take a minute to pray. I wept. I screamed. I was hysterical. Then, I wrapped my head around what we could do to help, including all the prayers that have not ceased for the past two months. But the anger is still there. Not an anger at God… I know this was not from Him. I’m angry that evil exists. I’m angry that it threatens to destroy lives and rob joy. I’m angry that my sweet friend has to watch her son go through months of treatments. I’m angry that this precious boy has to go through this fight. I’m angry that this family has to put their lives on hold and live in fear.

I’m tired. I am struggling with added fatigue these days. I don’t know the exact reason. I can say the heat has increased here lately. I can say I’m still adjusting to my new job. I can say summer activities are in full swing and we are running constantly. I can say my stress has increased and I’m not doing enough to manage it. I can say I’m not currently training for something specific so that makes me slack off with the running… which would help my energy and mood.

I’m impatient. I hate waiting. But, that’s exactly where I am finding myself these days. I feel like I’ve followed God’s leading over the last several years and now I’m in a holding pattern. Nothing’s bad. I’m going through the motions and taking each opportunity as it comes and when I feel God speaking through me through a post or talk that I give, it’s the BEST feeling ever!… but, I want to know where this is all heading. And God keeps calling me to wait. Be patient. Be still. Listen. Speak when He asks me to. And I do. But, I still find myself feeling very impatient.

I’m irritated. I feel like I’m having a harder time showing grace these days. There are so many REAL problems and people facing REAL and SCARY things in this world. When I hear someone venting about their “problems” lately, I find it hard to listen and have sympathy. I realize, all of our struggles are hard for each of us personally. I just wish people would put things in perspective. The things that you may think are “hard”, don’t compare to the hard of having to watch your baby take chemo. Not one bit.

So, what do we do when we feel this way? We turn to The Word. I think I need a good mic drop on my lament right about now, don’t you think? 🙂

God says, So you’re angry, huh?

• James 1:19-20: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (emphasis added)
• Romans 12:19: Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. (emphasis added)

And I see that you’re tired.

• Matthew 11:28-29: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

I know you are feeling impatient, but . . .

• Isaiah 65:17: See, I am doing a new thing! Now springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (emphasis added)

I hear ya. People can be irritating; however,

• John 13:34: A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (emphasis added)

It’s okay to not be okay every now and then. You just have to process it, pray it, and learn from it. God is continually changing me and I know He will use this dry season to make me into the women He designed me to be. It’s all a lifetime journey of molding and shaping and redirecting. So, for now, I will cling to these Words from the one who knows how the story ends. I will pray for healing in those who are hurting and I will pray for JOY to be abundant. I will pray for grace like Jesus and a renewed energy in my spirit. I will take up my cross and continue to follow my King wherever He leads. And I will fully trust that He who began a good work in me will carry it out to completion (Philippians 1:6).